My mentor recently asked, “Are you committed?” in regards to my entrepreneurial enterprise. I had to think about that for awhile.
Am I committed? An inner voice scoffed – Of course you’re committed! The other laughed Right, and how would anyone know? A third suggested it was time to find a new path, like she’s been telling me every couple years since age 12, with vague details at best. Yet another voice indignantly screeched – Are you SERIOUSLY doing this AGAIN? What are we reading Sincero for? Why are there boxes full of other peoples family photos stacked in your studio? Why do the ideas keep coming? Why do people keep finding you? What evidence do you need?!
Right, but… can I really run a business? I’ve never doubted my creativity, but making a living with it is different. Have I been succeeding so far, or just flailing with charisma? Do I have what it takes to steer my own ship or am I better as second mate?
Another friend posted that if she could rid the world of one thing it would be fear. I don’t tend to think of myself as someone who is afraid of much, but as I spend the first week of this new year assessing the direction of my business, I can see that fear has had me sailing against the tide more than I realized.
The fear-shame cycle rages on mostly unnoticed. I’m afraid and then ashamed of that fear. Incessant internal arguments and naysaying dominate my thoughts and the constant ping, tap, thump, blat, smack, spit, scream of self doubt can be paralyzing.
Maybe if I start talking louder, I won’t hear those energy sucking voices. Or if the fears are called out, at least the shame of them will diminish and I can work around them. Since fear cannot be banished from one’s emotional landscape, it must dealt with it differently.
So, what’s to be afraid of? Pretty simple psychology stuff. Failure. Success. The unknown. Being mediocre. Criticism. Once a project is finished, then what?
As an exercise in exposing the liars in my head, I’m going to break them down a bit.
Fear of failure is easy to rationalize. If I fail at being an entrepreneur, it can only be good for my next gig as someone else’s amazing employee. The trick is to determine WHEN it’s failure. How will I know it’s time to end it or make major changes? If I set goals, SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-Bound), not just fantasy visions, I can know when it’s time to let go or do something different.
Fear of success seems counter intuitive, but after a little reading I realize that I have a stunted vision of what I want my success to look like. With success comes change, and not small ones. I have to be willing to let go of life as it is now – the good, the bad, and the ugly, and make room for life as I want it – the great, the character building, and the manageable.
Fear of the unknown kind of comes in under fear of success. Clarify my vision of success and the unknown won’t be so unfamiliar.
Fear of being mediocre plagued me as a younger woman. So much so that I filled volumes of personal journals about it and not one essay, article, blog post, or book for public consumption about anything else. Damn! Age has made me far more ok with not being a revolutionary, famous, history making genius these days. Simply being myself in the world is my main objective. There is plenty of room at the top and all through the middle for my gifts.
Fear of criticism. Yikes. This makes my stomach tight just typing it out. I love approval SO MUCH!! It’s my favorite! But… without facing criticism, I can’t improve or grow or serve my clients effectively. So, tight gut and all, it’s time to get out there and take some heat. (Shudder)
Fear of finishing projects and not knowing what comes next….hmmm. I certainly can linger in a project longer than necessary, over thinking design choices, admiring what works, debating what doesn’t. Not at the expense of clients of course, but this often leads to undercharging which undermines my financial confidence. Oy.
Once a project is done, I tend to imagine the huge, empty voids of space. Unless I go find more. Which is HUGELY uncomfortable. So uncomfortable in fact, that up to now I’ve had no real marketing plan, tribe building habits, or knowledge of where to meet other designers. What am I an introvert? Urg. Kind of. An extroverted introvert, but an introvert nonetheless.
With a more specific plan going forward and a clear message of how I can serve people, my introverted self can be encouraged to face discomfort with more confidence. It’s only the thought of meeting new people that inflames anxiety, not the actual meeting of new people.
Staying open to the endless possibilities the Universe shows me over and over helps curb latent habits of scarcity thinking. There is more than enough need for what I offer. And I can find those who are looking for me. I’ve got those boxes of photos to prove it.
Direct my own ship I must. Choose my destination I will. Time to give up on giving up.
As if on queue, a Muzak arrangement of the Rocky theme song starts playing. My son and I have watched all of the Rocky movies this holiday break. Coincidence? I think not.
Thanks for the signal – Gonna fly now.